Remnant
by Sariyuki
Summary: Slash. SirusRemus. How do you start over something that has never started in the first place?


**Title:** Remnant  
**Date:** 16/20 September 2004  
**Author:** Sariyuki  
**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and its characters belong to J.K. Rowling  
**Notes:** This story happens in the time line of The Order of Phoenix  
**Dedicated to:** Fall on her birthday ;)

_So it's not over._

Remus Lupin stood in front of the battered looking door of number twelve, Grimauld place, shivering lightly. What was he doing again? He tried to remember the reason of his standing cold in the middle of the night in front of the house of the Black family. Ah yes, he was bringing a message from The Order for Sirius. What was wrong with him tonight? His mind didn't seem to want to be in check nor on the current events. It chose to wander.

When he first saw Sirius again after the man escaped from Azkaban, he didn't have much to say to him. He didn't know where to begin, he didn't remember where they left off. There was so much things to say, so much things that had changed. And what's more important, things that could not be changed. Lupin inhaled the cold air of the night, somehow his heart felt heavy. Sirius Black, he muttered the name silently, was back but somehow it wasn't the same anymore.

Lupin knocked on the door. Or at least, tried to knock on the door. But the door opened on its own accord. A head appeared in the small gap between the door and the wall. Lupin expected to see the house elf's face but it was none other than his friend's face.

"Come in."

_So Sirius Black is back. _

No greeting, no standing on ceremony, that's how he remembered the old Sirius Black. Straight forward and straight to the point. Some things hadn't changed. Lupin gave Sirius a small smile, a nod and slipped into the house. It was dark. It was always dark inside the house as if the house tried to live up to the name of the family it was serving, the Black.

Lupin followed the long steps of his friend further into the gloom. Something went click and suddenly the room was better illuminated. They had arrived into the common room. Lupin glanced around for a place to put his coat on.

"Sorry for the mess," waved Sirius, motioning Lupin to put his coat anywhere he liked.

"It's always messy," replied Lupin lightly, placing his coat on the hand of the long sofa in the middle of the room.

Sirius grinned, "And I always said the same thing every time, didn't I?"

Lupin thought he saw a glimpse of a younger, more vigorous and lively Sirius in the grin that Sirius flashed him. But this wasn't the old Sirius he used to know. As he thought earlier, so much things had changed. Everything, everyone had changed. He knew it was inevitable. He knew but it still made him bleed inside.

_So here we are again. _

Sirius looked at him across the room, scrutinizing for a few moments before walking towards the sofa and slumped himself down upon it. A heavy sigh filling the silence in the room. The atmosphere was undoubtedly heavy. Perhaps, he was wrong in coming here after all, Lupin thought. Perhaps he should have waited til morning. What had made him rush himself and trouble Sirius in the middle of the night?

"Why didn't you come earlier?"

Before Lupin could open his mouth to answer the question, another one had come.

"Why didn't you knock on the door?"

He risked a sideway glance at his friend but Sirius wasn't looking at him.

"I was going to knock on the door before you opened it."

Sirius caught his gaze and raised an eyebrow, "You were standing there for a whole ten minutes, Remus."

"How would you know that?"

"I was waiting for you to knock on the bloody door until I had no more patience and opened it," a scowl appeared on Sirius face.

"I...," something just occurred to Lupin. "You were waiting for me?"

_So it's happening again._

"Well, yeah," admitted Sirius gruffly. "I was told that you were coming."

"Oh," muttered Lupin uncertainly.

Awkward silence.

It seemed weird to Lupin that it should be difficult to strike a decent, enjoyable conversation with his – could he still call Sirius – bestfriend. What had they become? He was sure that there wasn't such thing as an ex-friend. The world didn't work like that. Or did it and nobody told him?

"You're awfully silent, Remus."

"Well," Lupin replied. "You didn't seem very talkative either, Sirius."

Sirius sighed. "I guess we've all changed. Me, you... and... the others."

Lupin tried to shrug like he didn't care. "People come and go and people change. That's how it is."

"I remember," Sirius reminisced. "We used to talk about all things. Bullshit things. Stupid things."

Lupin listened. He never really forgot those days either.

"We used to laugh a lot. We used to be happy."

A shadow flickered on Lupin's eyes before he muttered, "We used to be young, Sirius. We aren't anymore."

"What difference does it make?" Sirius's voice was a notch higher than what he had intended it to be.

"What difference does it make, Remus?" he asked in a softer tone.

Lupin shook his head. "It shouldn't make any difference."

Their eyes met and Lupin thought he saw something more than perpetual anger and sadness in those eyes.

"Damnit, Remus," said Sirius as if he was gritting his teeth. "You used to love me."

_So he knows. So the world knows._

Lupin eyes widened. He knew he didn't mishear his friend. He knew the world was still under his feet. "You... know?"

What a stupid question, he thought. I've always let him know.

"I've always known," came the reply, confirming what he thought.

But the world didn't work like that, did it? Love confession and happy ending, they weren't always there in all the stories. People had to make their own endings and the endings fought hard not to be controlled by anyone. Sometimes people got the endings they deserved. Sometimes people couldn't make it to the ending they wanted. And sometimes stories just wrote themselves. Who knew what ending a story would end up in?

"It was all in the past."

Who said that, thought Lupin, not recognizing his own voice. Who am I kidding?

"It was all in your head, Remus."

Lupin stared ahead, not at anything in particular, but perhaps at something or some time in the past. "I must be going," he heard himself muttering. It was a stupid move coming barging in Sirius's house in the middle of the night like this, giving in his weakness and impulses. But he wanted to make sure. He had wanted to let go of the past. But now, it didn't seem to want to let him. He stood up from the sofa and fished out an envelope from his robe and held it out to Sirius.

"Here's your order."

Sirius eyed the thing on Lupin's hand. "I want you to stay, Remus."

"What?"

"Stay," repeated Sirius. He looked up to see comprehension dawning on his friend's face. "Please stay tonight."

"Sirius, I..."

"I know why you came here tonight," he held his gaze on Lupin's perturbed face. "You wanted to make sure if you still had that feeling for me."

"I want to know too," continued Sirius.

_So this is the end._

Lupin wanted to refuse because he knew this was far from the ending he was looking for. Lupin wanted to go because this wasn't the ending he was trying to make. But he didn't know that his story was far from ending. He didn't know that the characters in the story seldom got any say in the great process of any story making.

The envelope fell from his hold as he was pulled by the waist, closer to his friend, his bestfriend. He fell to the warmth and fell to the embrace. He was a little afraid but no more. Hadn't he been longing for this? This was his time to find out what could be the end of his story and Sirius's. A remnant of a story that was long lost but not quite forgotten – it had begun again.

For better and for worse.


End file.
